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Week 13 NFL Recap: Thanksgiving Turkeys, Ironic Field Goals, Mystifying Clock Management, and the Eagles Showing Everyone What They Already Knew About Predatory Bird Superiority**

Welcome to Week 13 of the NFL season—a rollercoaster ride of narrow victories, baffling decisions, and defensive meltdowns. Thanksgiving feasts didn’t just happen at home this week; some teams brought their turkeys straight to the field. Let’s dive into the main course of ineptitude, with a small side of mesmerizing moments.

Thanksgiving Day:

Lions 23, Bears 20

That's 11 straight for the historically star-crossed Lions of Detroit. Jared Goff got back on track against Chicago's beloved dumpster fire. Speaking of fired, the Bears displayed a rare flash of competence before their typical fourth-quarter vanishing act. With a 23-7 deficit in the 4th, the Bears momentarily woke up to make it interesting. Too bad their coach and quarterback fell asleep at the wheel when it mattered most. Clock mismanagement so offensive that Matty E was canned in the middle of his weekly press conference. Yikes.

Cowboys 27, Giants 20

The Cowboys squeaked past the Giants, whose starting lineup consisted of practice squad players and Drew Lock, who played like he doesn’t deserve a practice squad spot. I bet he regrets talking all the smack about Danny (maybe Tommy) DeVito getting the nod at QB last week. The Cowboys had a back rush for over 100 yards? I promise it wasn’t Zeke. It doesn’t matter. If I were a Cowboys fan, I would be furious at every win from here on out. Micah was quoted as saying, “We ain’t done yet.” I’ll just leave that right here. Rumor has it, those blinds just got shut at Jerry World after all. Ultimately, Cowboys fans across the country got a temporary reprieve from losing.  If I were a Giants fan, I would have walked off the cliff when Saquon stomped on their hearts in his first game back. Let the Shedeur sweepstakes begin!

Packers 30, Dolphins 17

Tua went off for 365 yards and 2 scores, connecting with 10 receivers for an explosive 17 points. Vic Fangio was the scapegoat for a team whose defense crumbled at the end of last season. Meanwhile, the Fangio-led Eagles have the best defense in football, and Miami’s defense couldn’t buy them a win even if the offense was scoring the way we thought they would. Hindsight is 20/20.

Friday Night Special: 

Chiefs 19, Raiders 17

Aiden O’Connell went into KC and laid the smackdown on the Chiefs' defense to the tune of 340 yards and 2 touchdowns. The Raiders outperformed the Chiefs in every meaningful stat known to man, yet Patrick Mahomes was pedestrian, as he has been all season. And as it goes, the Chiefs win by 2. When will this team pay for its sins? Hopefully in the Divisional round.

Sunday Funday

Texans 23, Jaguars 20

CJ Stroud continued his Offensive Rookie of the Year campaign, proving that sometimes the only thing scarier than Jacksonville’s defense is Houston’s lack of it. Trevor Lawrence, meanwhile, did his best impression of a guy who almost remembered the playbook.

Chargers 17, Falcons 13

It was evident from first glance at the box score that something went wrong here. The Chargers' anemic offense managed just 187 total yards, which induced boos from the crowd. Kirk Cousins spent half the game throwing to the wrong team, inciting calls for Michael Penix Jr. Cousins was heard taking full responsibility for the loss after the game, which was the most accurate thing he threw out on Sunday. The Chargers took four interceptions and parlayed that into a meager 17 points. Yuck.  

I almost didn’t provide commentary on this game. Everyone dedicating any time to this Category 5 disaster deserves a double refund. Booooooooooooo.

Vikings 23, Cardinals 22

In 2022, the Vikings were the worst 10-2 team anyone had ever seen. Since then, they have been outdone by the 2023 Eagles and most recently, the 2024 Vikings. Nobody saw this coming before their starting QB went down in the preseason, let alone with Sam D slinging the rock. The confusion continued as Kyler Murray faltered when it mattered most. Game-ending interceptions abounded in Week 13.

Texans 23, Jaguars 20

Doug Pederson seems like a very nice guy, which would explain why the Jags still employ him. Because I can’t find another reason he would still be the coach. Their generational QB has been generationally mediocre. After his massive contract extension, the only option is to blame the coach wholeheartedly and sell the fanbase on whoever comes in to clean up the mess. CJ Stroud, Joe Mixon, and Nico Collins did enough to get the Texans a win... barely. Trevor Lawrence went down, and the coolest thing of the game happened. Mac Jones tapped in and might have had a better game than Trevor has had all season. Nobody loves a good QB controversy like I do. Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac.

Bills 35, 49ers 10 

Buffalo got 12 feet of lake-effect snow during the game and handled it like it didn’t exist. It looked like the Niners were playing on ice with slippers on their feet. CMC got hurt, giving frustrated fantasy owners a grand total of 2 mediocre performances for their number 1 picks. Josh Allen was a man amongst boys, taking a lateral for an all-time cool TD. This game was over after the first quarter, just like the Niners' season. Fortunately for Niners fans, Deebo Samuel has split his time this year between football and podcasting, so they’ll have something to watch when the Niners fall from relevance.

Seahawks 26, Jets 21

Aaron Rodgers got on a flight at the end of the game and headed straight to the Amazon to find out what the DMT shaman did with his talent. There were literally zero stats of note in this game. The game tape was as unimpressive as the box score. Leonard Williams sealed the Jets' fate with a 96-yarder. Fun stuff.

Steelers 44, Bengals 38

The Bengals have been the most impressive team at finding ways to lose almost every game. Burrow has MVP stats, and everyone is pretending it’s not true because his team is on the precipice of playoff elimination at Week 13. Russell Wilson had his biggest passing output of his 35-year career. Justin Fields is fast. George Pickens is certifiably insane. I would pay to watch a feed that just follows him around all season. If he is one day accused of a heinous crime, I will be less than shocked.

Colts 25, Patriots 24

In a battle of mediocrity, the Colts edged out New England in spectacular fashion as the 68-yard game-winning field goal fell just short. Anthony Richardson was as efficient as expected, going 12 for 24 with 2 scores and 2 picks. Drake Maye always looks better on the field than his stats suggest. But that doesn’t make up for a roster filled with retreads and practice squad heroes. New England currently fields the only team where I cannot confidently name a wide receiver who has caught a ball this year. In my defense, I make a point to avoid their games at all costs.

Commanders 42, Titans 19

Jayden Daniel is back to being the prodigy he was before his three-game speed bump. Brian Robinson ran wild, rushing 16 times for 103 yards. Will Levis threw 37 passes, completing 18 of them, and managed to avoid interceptions, though Tennessee fumbled twice. Yikes.

Buccaneers 26, Panthers 23 (OT)

Carolina managed to lose in overtime, reaffirming their status as the league’s punchline. Bryce Young showed flashes of brilliance, and his play has outpaced his box scores since returning to the starting lineup. But Tampa Bay proved that even a Baker Mayfield-led team can stumble into a win despite throwing two bad picks. Adam Thielen found the fountain of youth and the end zone with 99 yards on eight grabs. Ultimately, it wasn’t enough.

Rams 21, Saints 14

Matthew Stafford’s reunion tour with competent football continued as the Rams outclassed the Saints, who are still searching for an offensive identity. Alvin Kamara can only do so much when Derek Carr spends most of the plays running for his life. His 37 passes amounted to just 184 yards. Maybe it’s time to see what Taysom Hill can do under center (again). Oh wait, he got hurt. The Saints were quoted as saying, “Tough loss, looking forward to free agency, I mean next week.” I might have made that up, but it seemed appropriate.

Game of the Week: 

Eagles 24, Ravens 19

The highly anticipated battle of the birds did not disappoint. Philadelphia improved to 10-2, outlasting Baltimore in a contest that was equal parts thrilling and inexplicable. Jalen Hurts took off the first and third quarters, and the Eagles still managed to pull out the win. They field a top defense and an otherworldly running back, which has confused the general public into declaring how well Jalen is playing. A rush push does not define a good QB performance, but it won’t matter as long as he takes care of the football. To the dismay of his own mother, who cursed him out for not playing manly enough, Lamar Jackson was good but not good enough. Saquon won the battle of aging, MVP front-runner running backs. His 107 rushing yards were 44 more than any back against Baltimore this season. His 25-yard TD scamper all but sealed the victory for the "better" birds.

Monday Night Madness: 

Broncos 42, Browns 31

Bo Nix is legit. Sean Payton is salvaging his reputation after Russell Wilson’s play almost slandered him into retirement last season. A customary Jameis Winston interception sealed the Browns' fate in this game, similar to how Deshaun Watson sealed the Browns' fate for the better part of the next decade.

Takeaways from Week 13

1. Eagles Are Inevitable: At 10-2, Philly looks poised for a deep playoff run. Their ability to win ugly games makes them as dangerous as ever. Maybe defense can still win championships. It remains to be seen whether the NFL would actually let that be true again.  

2. Ravens Are Confusing: Baltimore alternates between looking like Super Bowl contenders and contestants on a football-themed game show.  

3. Chaos is King: Whether it’s Pittsburgh in a shootout or the Jets pretending they have an offense, week 13 reinforced that the NFL thrives on unpredictability. Here’s to hoping that the final score of the next Chiefs game reflects what we see on the field for once.

Tune in next week for more inappropriate commentary and analysis.